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November 10 Letting Go picture Joanne Chilton
I want to share a paragraph out of "One Breath at a Time, Buddhism and the Twelve Steps" by Kevin Griffin.
"When we renounce our self-destructive habits...,it's not repression or a masochistic effort at self-improvement, it's a spiritual release. When our craving for booze or drugs or food is removed, it's not because we willed it or because we have a strong character. It's because we've hit bottom, seen the suffering our addiction caused, and couldn't bear to continue to destroy ourselves in that way. In a "moment of clarity," of seeing clearly, we let go....Once we do finally let go, it happens in this way, as a spontaneous response, as if dropping at a hot coal....We don't let go because there is some rule or commandment that says we must; we let go because we see how our clinging is causing us pain."
I didn't "let go" of daily overeating until I saw it as a way of life for me, not against me. I used to be angry about eating within healthy boundaries. I resisted physical movement. I struggled. As the light came on that I could make the choice to let go of this form of destruction, this idol commonly known as "food," that I happened upon a transformation of my mind and now my body.
And this letting go of rules fits in the Christian tradition as well. Jesus came to shine a light on the faulty thinking that following commandments for the sake of following commandments was pleasing to God. Real freedom is freedom from law for law's sake. Real freedom is the poured out heart. It's really about exchanging chains for choice.
September 29 GratitudeBandit is lying on the front porch, contentedly watching Dingo roam about the yard. The weather is chilly enough for me to put on a sweater, and the cool breeze always puts the dogs in a good mood. I should worry that I have to put on a sweater to be warm enough on a September morning in Louisiana, especially when I plan to be in Canada for Christmas. I have Southern blood and it is going to freeze up there.
Today I will go to the fitness center and work out with weights. Yesterday, I rode the bike. I have been going to the gym six days a week. I have not lost any more weight, according to The Scale, but I am going to keep on keeping on as this is a good life style. I am eating within my boundaries and exercising my body. I am so grateful to my friend, Mica, who God sent to me to jump-start my journey with the message that He does for me what I cannot do for myself.
Of course, once I surrender one area of my life over to discipline, other areas pop up on an all-out offensive. There is always room for surrender. This morning, I got the message to surrender the current addiction de jour just for today. The addiction of the day can only be dealt with today. It is thinking about all those tomorrows that gets me in a pickle.
I feel grateful this morning that I have enough awareness to see my problem areas and to have a plan for today. And I also feel grateful for my two four-legged co-workers. July 03 Musings, What's Real Everything in the physical world is a reflection of what is going on in the spiritual world. There is a cosmic battle ensuing, moving towards its end, which will be the triumph of good over evil. Wars on earth are reflections of the cosmic battle of good versus evil. And by war, I do not only mean the battlegrounds of Iraq, but the war of cure versus disease, love versus hate, and life versus death.
Last night, I watched a show on these Skinheads who recruit unloved boys and girls by ushering them into a place of belonging that is tied with ropes of hate. The sadness is that there is a place for these boys and girls where they would be "led with cords of human kindness, with ropes of love." (Hosea 9:4 NCV). As I watched the show, I thought about Jesus and what he would do if he encountered these Skinheads on the corner, preaching their words of hate. I see Him looking into each one of their eyes and flooding them with the Truth of Life and Light and Love. Some would respond and some would be so hardened by evil that they would crucify His heart yet again.
Some will say that belief in the devil is foolish and can to compared to believing in ancient hocus pocus. But if we really look at the world, we see evidence of him everywhere. His only job is to mar the beauty that God created. He wants to corrupt human beings so that they in turn will stain the beauty of goodness. Everywhere you see the goodness of God, you will see Satan's footsteps trailing behind. He murders the messengers of peace, but he cannot kill the Good News.
May the love of God cover the face of the earth flood the hearts of His people.
June 11 Flaky I have never thought of myself as flaky, but I am beginning to wonder if I have a touch of the flakes when it comes to choosing a denomination. Some may say that's the problem: choosing a denomination when we should all be just Christian. Maybe so, but I do feel the need to be in a denomination and I think all my journeying has brought me back through the open door of Methodism.
I left the Methodist church because I had grown up Methodist; I had been placed into an assigned seat. One day, crazy rebel that I am, I got up and moved around. It was good for me and I learned a lot. My blinders were off and I was no longer one denominational. Now I am voluntarily going back. I'm going back to what I need: fellowship. I need adult Sunday School and the warm welcome of friends who know me by name and care if I miss a Sunday. I need people talking before service to each other while I'm trying to pray. That used to annoy me, but now I hear it as the background music of friendship. I need to get to know people well enough that they not only make me laugh but sometimes even annoy me. I also need them to know me in that very real same way.
March 16 The Baby Squirrel
This morning I got up early with the intention of doing some paperwork that I've been putting off. I pulled up the page I needed from the web and hit 'print.' Nothing happened. I did all the things I know how to do to make something happen and still, nothing. Oooh, I was frustrated. The world wasn't going my way! The whole darn day could be ruined from this early point forward for me because this one thing wasn't going my way.
Well, I decided to go ahead and keep my recent Lenten resolution (I go through many of these and stick to few) to sit for five minutes a morning and just notice my thoughts. I even have the proper cushion to sit on that I had bought a few years ago in Houston when I was practicing yoga.
The phrase that I used to return to when things really got crazy in my mind was, "Here I am, Lord." I sat for the five minutes and got up, unchanged.
Bandit was waiting for me outside the door and he has his morning routine that involves me going outside with him. I fill the bird feeder and sip coffee while he runs around and watches for squirrels. So, we kept that and I went outside with my Bible.
I am currently reading through Matthew and I came to this verse: "You're blessed when you're content with just who you are, no more, no less." Hmmm, I thought, just who am I? A tense chick who is all in a knot because her computer won't behave. I am wanting, however, to be a mystical, relaxed chick who looks (and feels) like a Buddha statute, serene in every moment. If I let go of that grasping, I am back to just who I am, a tense chick who is upset because things are not cooperating with her agenda. This version of me is not what I wanted to accept, but maybe that's the whole idea of acceptance anyway.
Just as I had this thought, I looked up to see a baby squirrel, no bigger than my hand, running over the tree branches, which are newly green with fresh spring leaves. If my plans had not been thrawted by evil technology, I would not have been outside at this moment to see this squirrel.
So I rewrote the Matthew verse in my journal, editing it to read, "Blessed are you when you are content with just who you are and just what is happening - no more, no less."
Then, I turned the page and saw the next verse, shining off the page: "That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought."
Maybe there is something to this acceptance stuff, after all. March 01 The Birds Are Observing Ash Wednesday My backyard birds are on an involuntary fast for Ash Wednesday because we forgot to buy birdseed. I think I saw a couple of them putting little crosses on each other's heads.
Today is the day we remember that we are dust and to dust we will return. Today, I will go and receive the ashes and the Eucharist. The realities of death and life. Christians go along with Jesus from fasting in the desert, to the Cross and then the Resurrection.
I know that in this world I am dust. I was reminded of this very painfully when I threw my lower back out Monday night. It was so bad I couldn't even go Square Dancing, which is beyond the beyonds, really.
I am dust, but I didn't just blow in here on some lucky cosmic wind. I was purposefully created, knit in the womb, infused with the Life Breath of the Spirit.
January 25 Bells and Robes
Zen Master Unmon said: "The world is vast and wide. Why do you put on your robes at the sound of a bell?" (Zen Koans by Venerable Gyomay Kubose copyright © 1973)
Jan Chozen Bays, Sensei, says that Zen Koans are there to give us a clue as to where we are stuck. We are stuck when we think things or people should be a certain way. The fundamental koan is "Who am I?"
Jan says to apply the koan to your own life. For example,"The world is vast and wide. Why do you put on your bathrobe at the sound of the stupid alarm clock?"
Thomas Hand, S.J., a Jesuit who has studied Zen, says that there are Christian Koans as well. For example, "Show me the kingdom of God," taken from Scripture.
The objective of a Christian koan, Fr. Hand says, however, is very different from the objective of a Zen koan. In Zen, you look at yourself to find yourself. In Christianity, you look at Christ to find your true self in Christ.
Certainly, the goal of the Christian is not to find himself but to lose himself. Hey, that's a Christian koan:
"One find one's life by losing it."
And, specifically to myself, I could say, "Where am I finding my life by losing it?" or "Where am I holding onto my life and losing it?" January 20 Chianti, Bubbles and Lavender Tonight, I had a glass of chianti with dinner and then home to finish the evening with a bubble bath, complete with a few drops of lavender.
A very relaxing evening after spending the day drafting health insurance policy language.
Have you ever contemplated the meaning of life while scrubbing the bathroom on a grey day in January? I don't suggest it.
But if you can, try and hold the question at bay until you manage to plod through the day's mundane chores, and reconvene with yourself later, while soaking wine-loosened muscles and bones in warm bathwater scented with lavender. The answer may not surface, but the question will seem lighter.
January 16 White Light
I got this picture from the One Year Bible Blog. It caught my attention because it expressed visually a thought I have of God.
When I think of God, I think of Light. White light, particularly. Yet, I can't just think of God as an impersonal source of White Light. It doesn't add up to the God whom Jesus says knows the number of hairs on my head.
That's why I love this picture. It is the Light and the Light is Christ. The Light took on flesh and bones and came here to love us.
I was away from church for a month. It was a terrible time of the year to be away from church: Advent and Christmas. Various things took the place of church on Sunday morning. It was like I was living out Advent in a very real way. Advent is a time of waiting. Waiting in the dark for the light. Being away from church felt dark. The purpose and meaning of my life was not fed. When I go to the Eucharist, I affirm that I am worth sitting at the table of God and eating supper with Him. I unite with Him in a sense that is other-worldly and incomprehensible. I do not get a rapturous feeling, and I don't always feel like God knows the number of hairs on my head. Yet, something within draws me and affirms that Jesus is Truth.
So, this Sunday, I was yearning for the Eucharist. I could feel the lines of Psalm 42:
As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. Where can I go and meet with God?
I went to the altar, knelt, and took the bread and wine:
"This is my body, broken for you."
"Amen."
"This is my blood, shed for you."
"Amen."
November 27 Episcopal Patty
Today, on the first day of Advent, Denis and I became Episcopalians. I was christened Episcopalian, not because my parents were Episcopalians, but because the church was close to where they were living at the time. I was Methodist most of my life, Catholic for two years, and now, as of today, Episcopalian.
We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.
(T.S. Eliot)
Coming full circle, I found myself again at the Episcopal Church, only this time, walking on my own up to the Bishop in my sage green shoes. I felt a little silly in them, but this was a big day, so my shoes just had to come with me.
The ceremony for confirmation/reception into the Episcopal Church is much less detailed than that for becoming part of the Catholic Church but more detailed than that for becoming a member of the Methodist Church. I think one of the teenagers wanted a bit more nervous anticipation because I heard her warning her friend, "Remember, 'sacrament' means an outward sign of inward and spiritual grace. Be ready. The Pope may ask you that." How relieved her friend must have been when the Pope didn't ask him anything. Maybe the Pope was just too tired and befuddled after his trip all the way from the Vatican to officiate an Anglican confirmation service in southeast Louisiana.
November 04 Who Do You Say That I Am?This is the bold question that Jesus poses to his disciples in Scripture and still poses to each of us today. As Madeleine L'Engle said in an interview, when asked if faith was a comfort, "Good heavens, no. It's a challenge. I dare you to believe in God. I dare you to think our existence wasn't an accident."
C.S. Lewis had this to say about responding to the challenge of Christian faith:
The world does not consist of 100 per cent Christians and 100 per cent non-Christians. There are people who are slowly ceasing to be Christians but who still call themselves by that name.... There are other people who are slowly becoming Christians though they do not yet call themselves so. There are people who do not accept the full Christian doctrine about Christ but who are so strongly attracted by him that they are his in a much deeper sense than they themselves understand. There are people in other religions who are being led by God's secret influence to concentrate on those parts of their religion which are in agreement with Christianity and who thus belong to Christ without knowing it.
If Jesus asked me the question, "Who do you say that I am?" I would dare to answer - "you are Jesus, the Son of God, the Word incarnate. And still, I am always wandering off, seeking to understand, and yet always returning to you and you alone."
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