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July 05 Freedom mileBack in March of this year, I ran my first one mile race in approximately 13 minutes. I thought I would die. I wanted to walk for part of it, but my buddy, Denis, talked me out of it. I made it over the finish line only to burp puke. But I felt good and I knew I would do it again. Now it's five months later and I did my second one mile race on the fourth of July (go America!). I ran with the Grandmasters and Masters, which are the over 40s. I am not over 40, I am one year short of 40, but I wanted to run at 8 a.m. to beat the Louisiana heat. I came in close to last. I think there was a man in his mid eighties who finished after me, but I still count it a victory. I finished my mile in 9:30, which is a significant improvement. I never wanted to walk. I did struggle with the mental aspect of running, the ongoing thoughts of "this is nuts, I'm stiff, my knee hurts, what's my heart rate, my face in on fire, I could be in bed," but I also had a few shy positive voices speak up to say, "keep going, you're a runner now, you are out running on a vacation day." Then I heard my trainer Gloria's voice in my head, "you can do it. What's your heart rate? 179, that's fine for a one mile. You will die, but it won't be today." I saw the clock looming ahead and I kicked it into my high gear, I let out the last of the gas in the tank and beat that 10 minute mark. Denis and my friend Debbie were cheering for me and it means the world to have someone looking for you at the finish line. I ran another mile with Debbie and we can in at 10:16, which was another rocking victory since her first one mile was at 14 minutes. Yeah, we were at the end of the pack, but we ran it and that's pretty damn good. I mean, there weren't that many people up at 6 a.m. on the fourth of July going to run a mile in the hot sun. Denis ran his mile in 7:30. I guess we'll let a Canadian turned American run in our fourth of July race. Now we all have a goal to run a half marathon in December. This means a lot of training and a lot less eating. I am setting a goal to lose 20 pounds by December. Each time I want to give up and eat over my allotted meal plan, I am going to imagine running a marathon with or without a twenty pound backpack. I think the choice will be to ditch the twenty pound backpack. Oh, and the most awesome runner on our recent race day? The unknown guy who finished his mile in like 4:07. April 24 15 pound star! I earned my 15 pound star at Weight Watchers last week. If you add those 15 pounds to the 15 pounds I lost when I was in Texas, I am down 30 pounds. More to go, and I will do it. The road is winding and there are dangers around each bend, including a wine tasting tonight and a powerful craving for chocolate yesterday.
My friends are moving away and that is another chance for me to pick up the fork for solace. I am not going to say I can get through life changes without a slip-up. But I am going to incorporate some new coping mechanisms. One will be the iPod and the other drinking. Are AA meetings like Weight Watcher meetings? April 12 The Lure of the Cookie Gained .6 of a pound today. Makes me wonder if a chocolate chip cookie weights .1 of a pound. I ate six of them in a row yesterday. Six! And not the mindful Zen-like eating where I sat down with a cup of coffee (or glass of milk for you milk lovers) and savored all six. That might have been almost excusable and worth .6 of a pound. This was binge eating at its best. Standing in front of the counter, snatching the cookies off their cooling rack and stuffing them in my mouth. I never really thought I was a binge eater. Whenever I heard stories of people eating whole containers of ice cream in one sitting, or squirting chocolate syrup into their mouth, I always secretly scoffed at their level of lack of control. Even now, I don't think six cookies equals a pint of ice cream or a sixteen ounce bottle of Hershey's Syrup. Okay, I'm still in denial. What amount of cookies equals a binge? Probably any amount that is eaten from a sense of scarcity within.
I had had a particularly difficult day. I got up and could not eat my usual breakfast of bran cereal with fresh raspberries and blueberries because I had to get my blood drawn. Once at the lab, the nurse with the word "volunteer" on her badge unsuccessfully stuck me twice, twisting the needle each time, all the while telling me what beautiful skin I had, "just like peaches and cream." Another nurse finally took the needle and pricked the other arm and got the business done with.
On the way home, I made an unplanned stop at the Starbucks drivethru and purchased a Grande, Two Shots Decaf, One Shot Caf, Two Splenda, Non Fat Latte. Then onto McDonalds for an Egg McMuffin. I mean, come on, I hadn't eaten all morning and had a traumatic blood letting experience. I needed sustenance!
Back home to work, full of Starbucks and McDonalds, only to find that email was not cooperating. I suspect I couldn't get it open because it's stuffed full of messages, along with their attachments, dating back to 2004. After insanely rebooting the computer a half dozen times, I finally gave in and called the Help Desk. They wanted to know if I had rebooted the computer. Come on, that's all I know how to do? If something isn't working, I cut it off from the power source and turn it back on. Sometimes it seems to jump start the computer's brain. If rebooting had worked, I wouldn't be on the phone now, would I? I could tell my helper was not feeling helpful and I am still waiting on him to get back with me.
Following this, came the lure of the chocolate chip cookie. After getting out of the house for lunch and expecting the distraction to clear my head, I returned to the delightful smell of warm, just-out-of-oven, chocolate chip cookies. I'm talking cookies at the exact point in the process where you know the chocolate chips are still warm, and that the cookie can barely be handled without falling apart.
You know how the story ends. I fell apart. I forgot about my vow from a few weeks ago to cut back on sugar. I ate one. And another. And then four more. But, really, who wouldn't have? Yes, I am being hard on myself but I am on a diet, after all. A diet that assures me I can have anything I want if I plan for it. There's the word that a binge hinges on: plan, or lack thereof. My binge started at Starbucks and ended at the kitchen counter.
I can't believe I just spent time writing about the circumstances leading up to my eating six chocolate chip cookies. Just goes to show the deep psychological workings of my mind.
December 07 Inches Today was a great day. I went to the gym for my re-measure after three months of working out. I lost a couple of inches everywhere and my BMI went down 3 points. My trainer has set a goal for me to lose 3 more points off my BMI by March. This means harder work-outs and I'm up to the challenge. I remember the first day when I could barely hold my legs up for a sit-up. Those days are gone and I am getting better every day.
This day will also be remembered as the day the supermarket opened in a little place I call home. I did not get to visit today, but I will be going over tomorrow on my lunch hour. Coming from Houston, I would have never thought I would get so excited over a grocery store.
The landscape is changing all the time. September 18 A Hearth Cake and a Jug of Water My workouts at the gym have already paid off: I have less back pain and my weight loss is going better while I am able to eat more while still staying within my Weight Watcher points. I have shed 10 pounds of ugly fat and that makes a total of about 30 pounds since I started this journey a long, long time ago in a far away place called Texas. The journey is not over and I have finally figured out that it is never over.
I stalled out more than a few times when the way got hot and I got tired of it, plopping down under a broom tree to whine for awhile. I pretty much decided I would stay in the shade and be a victim till an angel came along, in the form of many people and circumstances, poked me in the ribs, gave me some spiritual food and drink, which gave me the strength to run the journey again. I cannot run it alone. The most important lesson I have learned so far is that we can do nothing without God; we can do nothing alone. And God comes to my aid in the form of people who uplift me and opportunities for my good. They are always there, right in front of me, holding in their hands a hearth cake and a jug of water, offering food and drink for the journey.
August 14 Dogs on DietsPoor Dingo. On Thursday, he was told by no less than two lovely ladies, that he was overweight. We've been endearingly calling him "Butterball" around our house, but not doing much to change his rotund status. Part of our denial was that he was fat when we got him, so it wasn't our fault, and gee his little plump butt was so cute! Now he is on a diet. No people food. Only dry dog food and dry dog food measured out according to his proper weight.
Dingo is very sad about this. He misses the good old days, like the one when his Grandmother fed him doritos and bagel chips for lunch (this is 100% true and, yes, scary). He misses being able to clean up Bandit's left over food. Bandit is one of those naturally thin dogs. He eats to live and doesn't live to eat, which used to be to Dingo's advantage.
So, I am on Weight Watchers and Dingo is on the Doggy Diet. We are losing those excess pounds. Our struggle with weight only supports the recent news stories that America is obese. It's pretty bad when our dogs start to get fat.
In addition to watching what he eats, Dingo is walking every night for twenty to thirty minutes. To support him in his wise choice to exercise daily, I took the plunge and joined a fitness club. I'm off to water aerobics this morning.
July 22 The Way I See It #76 Anne Morriss is quoted on a Starbucks coffee cup:
"The irony of commitment is that it's deeply liberating - in work, in play, in love. The act fres you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life."
I kept this coffee cup because it inspires me to commit. To commit and be accountable. This week, the commitment worked out, as commitment has a way of doing. I got my "five pound" bookmark from Weight Watchers. I took my clothes in to be altered down one size.
It is liberating to know that if I eat within my points I will lose weight and not gain weight. It is imprisoning when I eat whatever I want because it causes me to feel physically and emotionally bad about myself in the aftermath. Commitment is being able to look long and hard at the longterm while in the midst of the struggle with the shortterm.
July 10 Gone Mad I say, Mad!I've gone mad. Bandit has a new little brother named Dingo, complete with 4 legs and a tail. Don't worry, he's part rat terrier, part collie, no human, except he will think he's one by the time Denis and I are done with him. Bandit has finally achieved the long awaited alpha male status though, who are we kidding, he had achieved it to some degree with Denis.
After scaring the poop out of the little guy on day one, they are fast friends. This Dingo is a fast learner. It doesn't take him twice of being in the mouth of a growling, 77-pound shepherd/lab to get the message. One warning grunt from Bandit, after the initial 'getting-to-know-you' experience, and Dingo plays Bandit's way.
And they love to play. Just this morning, both came in from the wet and muddy backyard, both very wet and muddy. Dingo just loves the swimming holes that Bandit had the foresight to install before he even got here. Filled to the brim with dirty water, these dog-made puddles are Dingo's idea of a day at the beach. Have you ever tried to towel off two dogs at once? Impossible.
Any attempt to have a clean house is folly. I vacuumed the floors this morning and two hours later, it is as if I have never bothered to vacuum. My pants, fresh out of the dryer, are now stained with mud and drool and dog hair. But if I weigh the choices: (a) clean house with no dogs; or (b) slightly dirty house with one dog; or (c) dirty house with two dogs; I vote for (c). Choice (a) is just too boring and (b) is not as much fun for Bandit.
June 17 Four Legged Exercise Partner There's a reason a dog is called man's best friend. Who else is going to wake up with you at 5:15a.m. every day, even weekends, with a smile on their face, tail wagging, to go on a 30 minute walk?
It's dark when Band and I start our route. We see the sunrise as we wrap up our last loop around the neighborhood. No one else is out at this time of the morning. We are the die hards.
When I make my weight loss goal at Weight Watchers, I wonder if they will let me have Bandit as my guest to accept the award with me? After all, he will be responsible for a good bit of it. Bandit and my friend, Mica, are my two "sponsors" along the weight loss, healthy lifestyle, journey.
April 29 Sunless Tanning - A Risk Now I know how they got the Oompa Loompas to look orange: they used sunless tanning lotion.
Be careful, fellow sunless tanners, remember the adage, "too much of a good thing..." November 22 My Sage Green Shoes
Look at my new sage green shoes! If they were blue suede, you could do anything but step on them. If they were ruby slippers, I could click my heels and go home.
Actually, I spent most of the day today at home, telecommuting, and feeling sorry for myself. I got out to Weight Watchers in the morning and gained .6 of a pound. Add that to last week’s gain of .4 of a pound and you’ve got a whole pound. I think I read the wrong literature when I signed up. I believe the goal is to lose. I would do terrible on the show The Biggest Loser.
Depressed yet determined to do better next week, I got back to the house to work. Bandit, my co-worker/dog, was being neurotic. The neighbor kids were playing football out on their front lawn, their dogs running after them, Dad reading a magazine. Very Kennedyish. Bandit did not find it a peaceful scene of fall family fun. Bandit cannot handle a dog, much less dogs, frolicking outside of our house. Come to think of it, Bandit can’t handle much. If you sneeze, he goes crazy. If the printer starts up, he goes crazy. If the phone rings, he goes crazy. It’s hard to work with a dog so sensitive to stimuli. Going crazy involves the following, in sequence: a bark louder than one you have ever heard, panting, running, catapulting his 75-pound-body against the door, putting his head on my lap, while at the same time bumping the keyboard drawer so I can’t type or click my mouse, and drooling on my pants.
Desperate to distract him, I took him out back for a break. It was pretty lonely out there too. I could hear a radio off in the distance. I sat in the lawn chair and tried to watch my breath like the meditation articles suggest. I did some yoga asanas. I noticed that I wanted to eat some chocolate. I didn’t. Then I felt sorry for myself that I couldn’t eat chocolate. So, instead, I took a picture of my shoes.
I went back inside to work. Not much new in there. Bandit immediately tried to get another break out of me but I stood my ground. The Kennedys had gone inside, thank God. Bandit collapsed into a corner and started a much needed nap. I wanted to scan something but didn’t dare wake him. I put that task off until later.
After the slow ticking by of the afternoon, Denis came home from work and we went out to eat. I ate healthy. Denis suggested Starbucks and I thought I would cry. I didn’t have points left for a festive egg nog latte. What the heck is life about if you can’t end your lonely, disappointing, lackluster day with a nice egg nog latte? Yet, I knew that if I gave into the ranting of self-pity, I would drink the latte and then give into the beatins of self-guilt. I decided against the latte. I had just navigated that temptation when the waitress brought the check along with four, four Andes mints! I love those mints. I didn’t have them.
Now, I am wrapping up my day by blogging about my day and posting a picture of my sage green shoes. Just underlines the quiet desperation. It is on ordinary days like this that I want to eat. But, come to think of it, it is on extraordinary days not like this that I want to eat too.
I could click my shoes and wish to be thin, but it doesn’t work that way. I've been trying that angle for years and it has taken me from needing to lose 5 pounds, to plump, to overweight, to heavy and finally to fat.
Instead, I’ve decided to trek the journey of weight loss in these shoes. I want to hike uphill to the destination of losing 60 pounds and then stay on the trail, 60 pounds lighter. As I make progress, and when I slip backward, I am going to take more pictures of my sage green shoes. Because by doing this, I am going to remember that it’s a journey you lace up for and then take one step at a time.
November 08 You Are What You Eat This guy scares me but he's cool at the same time. I got his image when I googled "you are what you eat."
Today was weigh-in day and I maintained. This was no surprise because I ate above and beyond my total point allowance for the week. I guess I was just hoping for that magic wand to wave over me and the scale and grant us a freebie at the last minute. But, alas, you do reap what you sow and, if you eat the same amount of calories that you burn, you will stay the same weight.
Sadly, I did allow this to bum me out for the rest of the day. I decided that everything I do, or don't do, is worth a good beat-yourself-up session. I spent lots of energy on this before I was able to re-direct my thoughts and decide that: (1) I am fortunate because I didn't gain weight; (2) I know why I didn't lose weight; and (3) I can work on this for next time.
My plan for this week is to save flex points for the weekend, when I need them most, and to exercise for 30 minutes a day.
A devotional wouldn't hurt either - check this one out:
November 02 My BMI, Oh My!I am not happy with my spot on the BMI chart. Let's put it this way, I would be happy to be in the "Overweight" category, much less the "normal" category, which is a sad state of affairs.
 On the bright side, I have decided for the gazillionth time to do something about it, so I've joined Weight Watchers. WW has worked for me in the past, when I've worked it.
Reasons to Lose the Weight:
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